Trapped

How did I start the year so optimistically and end up feeling so crappy now?

That's the thought that came to me in the shower this morning.

I think a big part of the answer is: hormones.  I've always had issues with my "cycle" which is one of the many reasons I've been pregnant so many times.  My body is happier being pregnant.  It's certainly not more comfortable, but it beats my "normal" cycle of pain and I have WAY less migraines.  Pregnancy must supply a steady flow of the right hormones.  Maybe it's just easier to bear the uncomfortableness of pregnancy because it's for a great purpose.  I don't know.

It's been almost a year since the birth of my fourth child, and it occurs to me that this is usually about the time that I would be thinking about getting pregnant again.  But we are done having children.  I won't get off that "easy" this time.

Another big part of the answer is: stress.  Everyone has stress.  I'm not saying I am special in this regard.  But everyone has a different threshold of what they can handle.  I think I'm at max-capacity again.  My elevator will not leave ground level without breaking some cables.
We experienced life-changing upheaval a few years ago and I was just starting to get my head above water.  Then everything changed again.  It felt like everything we had been working toward was in vain.  There was no more light at the end of the tunnel.  No more hope for better stability in the future.  My husband's career path is again unknown.  I am fortunate that my husband is a hard worker and determined to provide for us.  I have great respect for and faith in him.  The last few years have strengthened that.  I don't fear like I did years ago; I know from experience that God provides.  Yet, it's hard for me to change directions.  I get mental whiplash quite easily.

So, let's throw in another element:  we're moving.  More specifically, we're moving to a bigger house.  So I should be happy, right?  I'm about half happy.  The other half of me is recoiling.  We will be tenants for the first time in our married life, and we will have to find tenants to rent the house we currently live in. There are school districts to change, utilities to transfer, and I will miss my neighborhood.  It all has me a little uneasy.  I like what is familiar to me.  I prefer to stay within the boundaries of my own little kingdom.  And I really don't like packing.  And did I mention that we'll be renting from my in-laws?

So.  Those are the major things, piled on top of the day-to-day things.  Too many choices, too many things to do, too much pain.  I had a migraine the other day that sucked the life out of me and left me clinging to the couch waiting for my already over-worked husband to come home.  These are the days that I feel like a bad mom and wife.  These kind of days make me feel like I will never accomplish anything.  These days press down on me and make it hard to breathe.  Where do I go from here?

Getting help is almost as discouraging as the pain itself.  I feel trapped.  Making healthy choices is much easier when you are healthy.  But trying is always better than giving up.  So, here I go, one step at a time.