Eulogy For Dad

Dad's Memorial Service Sept. 5, 2014

Preparing my words for you today has taken me down many paths.  Each direction has been necessary to give me the perspective I needed to help me heal and begin to process my grief.  I hope my words are a blessing to some of you as well.

The unexpected death of my father arrived with a brutal posse:  anger, resentment, despair, and a very nasty riddler.  There is no competition in grief, but the grief that we-orphans-of-this-type-of-death carry, while perhaps no heavier, is definitely unbalanced and more awkward to carry. 

I’ve known for a long time that my dad had a problem, but he was taking medication and seeking help, so I never expected that this would be the cause of his death. Regardless of what illness a person suffers, sometimes even the best doctors and the most effective medicines just can’t help.  I think this was the case with my dad; it was just his time. 

I am glad it happened among his trees with the sun shining on his face.

As a mother of 4, my first reaction to my father’s death was:  How do I protect my children?  How do I help their hearts cope with the loss of their grandpa?  Eventually, the answer came:  Information shall be revealed on a security clearance basis…based on age and rank.  Not everyone needs to know everything right away.

But also…All important matters of the heart can only be learned and never taught.  I can only confirm those truths that are already in my children’s hearts.  I am to be their safe place….the safety net for THEIR trapeze act, for I cannot do the flips of life for them, nor can I hold their hands as they reach for the oncoming bars.  I must strengthen and hold myself together to cushion the blow for the days my children will need to fall on me.

For myself, I had a lot of questions.  I wanted to try to explain a lot of things.   My inner social scientist wanted to compare and contrast.  However, a dear gentle friend helped me to see how just foolish it would be to try to explain something of which I have absolutely no knowledge…that seeking that path is something of which I have absolutely no right.  Many of the questions I have will never be answered…and I have the proper fear of God to bow my head, tuck my tail, and walk away from that sacred ground.  There are certain paths that will only burn your feet and never soothe your head.

So, let me talk to you about what I know.  I know about Love and Thankfulness. 

There are many things I don’t understand about my dad and his death, but here is what I do know:  whatever capacity he had for love, he loved me with all that he had and for that, I am thankful. 

Our relationship was not always easy.  There was a time that I could hardly stand to be in the same room with him.  But he chose to love me and he persevered.  My mom pointed him in the right direction.  He learned skills from recovery groups and from observing good men like my grandpa and uncles.  But no one could force him to love me.  True, real love is a choice.  My dad’s love for me was an effort only he could make. 

And I know it wasn’t easy for him at first.  I was hurt and bitter…and sarcastic. 

But he gave me time and he didn’t give up.  And my mom fought to keep the brambles at bay so the path that joined us would stay clear.  She is a warrior, with a strong heart.

The next part in this love story is mine.  I had to allow him to love me.  I had to forgive.  It took a long time and it wasn’t easy…becoming a mother softened my heart.  Grandchildren are miracles for those who have eyes to see.  Eventually, I found that I could have regular conversations with my dad and that I wanted him to be proud of me…and that I loved him. 

My dad used every opportunity he had to tell me that he loved me and that I am amazing.  As both a parent and a child, I know this is something that can’t be said too often.

The last time I invited my dad over, just a few days before his death, I was able to tell him how much I appreciate him for not giving up on loving me.  I told him that I accept him for who he is, that I don’t expect him to be any more than he is, and that I love him. 

I told him all the things that I needed to tell him in this life. 

I know this was a miracle of closure for my heart…a miracle of which I am so thankful.  And that’s the reason this can be well with my soul.  I don’t like this death, but I have faith that there is deeper magic at work…and above all else…I choose love.

For that, I am thankful.