Driver's Ed...for the rest of your life.

My feelings about attending an institutional church in respectful satire.

So...you'd like to drive a car?  All you need to do is "receive" a license!  You'll love driving...you'll find greater purpose in your life!  In fact, when you can drive a car, good things will start to come your way.  You'll be so happy driving that you won't even want to do any horrible things...like jaywalking.

Well, now that you are getting started with driving on your own, you really should start coming to our weekly Driver's Education classes.  Yeah, you might be able to drive just fine, but you really need that weekly support to keep you from driving clear off the road!  Our Driver's Ed teacher spent a long time studying the Driver's Manual, so he's just better equipped to better explain all the complicated rules of driving to you.  It's really important that you are the best driver you can be.  It would just make my heart sad to hear that you forgot to use your turn signals a few times.  Actually, class once a week probably isn't enough.  You can come to my house to meet with a few other couples from our class and we can talk even more about Driver's Ed.  We'll even commit to being your friends.  It doesn't matter if we have totally different personalities and interests....the only interest that really matters is driving...right?  Besides, don't you feel a little bad for your old friends who don't go to your class?  At least some of them go to another class, but, well, their teacher just isn't as good as ours is.

It's so exciting that you are so involved with our Driver's Ed class.  Don't worry that you don't have any interactions with anyone other than your fellow classmates.  There are a lot of crazy people out there doing crazy things like horseback riding, snowmobiling, walking...you know the type.  Yeah, we still have to love those types.  We just have to do our best to convince them to drive a proper car, just like us.  Did you hear we're planning a special "outreach" program to try to get more people to join our Driver's Ed class?...um...I mean...we just want them to learn to drive and have a good life.

Well...now we need to talk about something that will make you a really good driver.  You should probably donate 10% of your income to the Driver's Ed class.  It's just a good practice for you.  Oh, and we need to pay for the building we hold our class in.  And we need to pay the Driver's Ed teacher...and the teacher's secretary...and everyone else who probably wouldn't do what they do for the class if we didn't pay them.  Some of us really don't like to drive, so some of the money can go to pay others to drive for us.  We could also buy a big bus and form committees to car pool.  It all costs money.  But it's not about money, it's just about driving, after all.


I could go on and on....  My intention is not to mock.  And metaphors are not perfect.  I don't go to church anymore and I want to start talking about it.  This metaphor popped in to my head as a good way to voice some of my feelings about the institutional church.  Let me just say I have no problem with anyone who chooses to attend a church, and I sincerely love the people I met while I did.  But for me, it would be just as silly as going to Driver's Ed for the rest of my life.  I have not lost my faith.  I'm not saying I am unteachable or that I know everything.  I'm just saying I want to drive and I'll continue to learn as I go down the road.